How to Help Children Deal with Anger?

Dear Betsy,

I have a 6-year-old son who has struggled with anger and control issues since he was 3 years old. As a result, to this day he will stamp his feet, flail his arms and either cry, whine or complain in an angry tone VERY loudly when something disappoints him (most often, when he has to stop what he is doing, and switch to a new activity). I have begun to spank him every time he exhibits this behavior but I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Am I being controlling in trying to force him to stop, and eventually through maturity and growth in Christ he will stop without me spanking? He has shown fruit - that the Holy Spirit is in him. Often I will send him to his room to pray and “ask Jesus to help you WANT to have a good attitude.” He will come down with a completely changed attitude and behavior for the rest of the day. Am I being too harsh?

Sincerely, Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned:

We all deal with control issues as we learn humility, self-control, and other fruits of a disciplined life. These things are not “givens”; they are not guaranteed with age and will not automatically be characteristic of a person’s life even if they are an adult believer. That is why we have such an amazing stewardship of our children. God is entrusting us to train them in these things and more.

Discipline but Don't Exasperate. Be assured that every mother relates to being schooled in this one at some time or other! When children disobey they need to be disciplined. They need to learn how to bring their will under yours and see you as their authority. However children are tender little people who desire and need a close bond with their parents. And we have to be careful not to go so far as to exasperate or "provoke them to anger" (Ephesians 6:4).

Children want to please us and they are crushed in spirit when they sense our disappointment. But biblical discipline is divinely humane as it brings the offender and the offended back into fellowship and makes a way for the sin/disobedience to be dealt with for good. That is why it is so important to address willful disobedience in a young child and that he understand that he has a way back -- a way to make things right again.

Going Full Circle. Our Heavenly Father deals with us in much the same way so that as sinful beings we can be cleansed and live in fellowship with Him. 1 John 1:9 assures us that, “if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

In Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, we refer to this way back as “going full-circle” in discipline which means that when we sin,

• we admit and take responsibility for it,
• we make amends and are restored,
• we know the right choice to make if the situation comes up again, and
• we are forgiven and restored.

(See the lesson “Committed to Discipline” for further reading on this topic or check our website archives for related articles.)

However if children do not understand their discipline or if their discipline is not taken full-circle, there will be a breakdown between the parent and child. When this happens, the child or the parent may become embittered against the other (even parents can become exasperated!).  Hence a downward spiral that further disconnects the parent and child can begin. If we are not watchful or protective of this special bond all sorts of “interesting behaviors” may erupt.

Be Sensitive to your Child's Temperament. Sometimes I call this kind of exasperation in children simply being “undone.” And here is where we add another consideration into the mix – your child’s temperament. I did not mention this upfront because it is secondary to the training that God desires for His children regardless of their temperament.

Children can have different thresholds of when they “undo” or become exasperated, but we still have a duty to teach them to be self disciplined and controlled so that they don’t manipulate you to the point of giving up and not carrying through to discipline. In other words, don’t be tempted to excuse his behavior because of “temperament.” Children may be strong-willed, compliant or withdrawn, but we still need to be watchful of their wills, minds, and emotions.

Plan Ahead. I encourage you to spend some time thinking and praying through your plan ahead of time so that you can be “comfortable” in your discipline with your children. When you are not, they may sense that and take control of the situation through various manipulative techniques. But in any case, you must take your son full-circle and help him understand what is occurring through it. He needs to learn that you are consistent and committed to his maturity in all aspects.

Cool Down Time. Sometimes spanking is not the answer, but the child is still accountable for sinful behavior and the full-circle will address this. If they are particularly “undone” they may need a bit of quiet time to ponder their situation. This is one of those rare situations that such a “time out” may be appropriate.

Five-Minute Warnings. When you tell him it is time to stop, you might instead say, “Five minute warning” meaning in five minutes you are to stop. His response needs to be “Okay, Mom” indicating that he heard you and that when you say time is up, it is up. You can even make a game of practicing this in situations that are not so difficult to stop. Give him opportunities to learn to “make the right choice” and have success so that you are not exhausted with constantly feeling as if you are having to discipline or correct him.

Do-overs Allowed. I know a young mother of four with one son who seems to struggle more than the rest of her children when he encounters sudden “changes in direction” and so forth as you mentioned. She sometimes says to her son, “You can have a do-over. This doesn’t have to effect the rest of your day,” meaning you can choose right now to have a proper response going forward. Knowing there is a way to work through to a right conclusion and a new start reassures the child who knows his life has just spun out of control.

In fact, once when this child was told “tomorrow is a new day,” he responded, “I don’t want to wait until tomorrow, I want to start now.”  What a sweet response in the heart of the child who is learning to make the right choices and defeat his own defiant will. The wisdom of this young mother reveals her understanding of her child’s need for tenderness and accountability. This is what training does over time but it is a long process, a lifelong process.

May the Lord bless you in the process.