Your QuestionsHere you can find some of our most commonly asked questions answered by the author of Entrusted with a Child's Heart, Betsy Corning. Or you may choose to submit your own question by using the Contact Us tab at the top of the page - we will be glad to consider it for future posting!
Your Questions - Entries from February 2012
FriFridayFebFebruary24th2012
How to Discipline a Toddler Who Is Swatting at Others?
Dear Betsy,
My daughter who turned two this week has recently started occasionally taking her hand and swatting me, or her older brothers in the face when she doesn’t get her way. This is out of character for her because she has a kind, loving, easy-going demeanor. I am in the Entrusted study currently and I felt that in our home I should spank her for this. Is spanking a good discipline choice for this face swatting issue for when we are in private? Also, she swatted me once in the grocery store this week and by the time we were in the car, it was already 15 minutes after the incident so I didn’t know the best way to discipline at that point since it was long after her behavior problem. What do you suggest if she does it again in public?
All for Him!
Dear All for Him:
Young children will try some outlandish, willful behaviors as they are growing up — especially if they can get away with them. Our job as parents who are entrusted with the care and training of these little ones is to identify the source of these behaviors:
- Immaturity or ignorance in need of instruction
- Defiance or willful behavior in need of discipline and correction, or
- Emotions in need of proper perspective, admonition, exhortation, or encouragement.
Thankfully, you recognize the behavior for what it is: wanting to have her own way, rather than submitting her will. Therefore, it is her will that needs to be addressed (corrected/disciplined) but since she is so young she is also demonstrating her immaturity in not fully understanding that swatting someone in the face is not acceptable behavior. (Though the responses/reactions she receives from those she swats no likely delivers that message!)
So let’s first address training her mind so that she “knows better” and then secondly, address her willful behavior so that she learns to humbly submit her will to choosing the appropriate behavior. Here’s a possible way to train her in these areas: (Keep in mind that this recommendation is for a two year-old. An older child who already “knows better” should be dealt with according to their willfulness/defiance with discipline. And even as soon as she has this understanding, discipline is the appropriate response).
When she attempts to swat, calmly but firmly take hold of her hands placing them down to her sides or in her lap as you continue to hold them and say, “No swatting/slapping.” Continue to hold her hands until she relaxes even if she begins to get defiant. Wait her out until she submits then release her hands and repeat, “Momma said, no swatting.” Have her respond, “Ok, momma.” If she refuses, wait her out calmly until she gives you the proper response. When she says, “Ok, Momma” then give her a hug and say, “all done.” This correction also works well in public situations.
Keep your directions simple, concise and repetitive so that she learns how you will respond to this behavior and what you expect from her. And so importantly, be consistent should the swatting behavior recur. Also, when she is in a carefree, easy-going mode as you describe her, reinforce this training by teaching her to sit properly or to make requests appropriately. Praise her when she makes “right choices” by saying something like, “You are sitting nicely, thank you. You are making a right choice.”
If she falls back to her old pattern of swatting (after all, training is a process), inform her that she can make the right choice giving her the opportunity to obey before you have to respond in discipline. You might tell her that if she makes the wrong choice, she will get a spank. Be sure to follow through with the “full-circle” as instructed in Entrusted with a Child's Heart (pp. 210-212, 249), so that she will understand that there are consequences to disobedient or defiant behavior and so that your training will be effective.
Also, talk to her about being “soft/gentle” with people, pets, special things and how we are careful, loving and respectful to people; that swatting is not loving or gentle.
It is wise to help your child generalize this training to other areas of behavior. For example, it is good training to teach our children to sit without grabbing, poking, and other unacceptable behaviors, not just swatting. To train them to sit with their hands in their laps or folded will eliminate potential problems. My daughter, who has four children, all close in age, not to mention proximity, were tempted to “pick or poke” as siblings are prone to do. She would often say, while walking for instance, “hands in pockets,” and they would walk nicely in a line. Or while riding in the car, she would instruct “hands in laps” when they got antsy.
Blessings to you as you teach your daughter to humble herself to your training and to treat people with gentle kindness.
FriFridayFebFebruary17th2012
Dating Relationships
Dear Betsy,
We have a 17 year old teen who has asked to start dating. The boy she likes is very nice, but she is unsure if he is a Christian. She argues that it is hard to have in-depth conversations if she’s never alone with him, but we are reluctant to give her the OK to go out with him if we don’t know if he’s a believer or not. What do you suggest?
- Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned,
When your daughter reaches the age that you determine as fitting for her to date; be sure that you have also established clear delineations for dating, such as “how often," “how late,” “with whom” and so forth.
The “with whom” part is extremely important not only for the obvious immediate impact and implications on your daughter’s life but also for her future. Therefore, whether you hold the conviction that “dating is for the purpose of choosing a mate” (meaning that every suitor is evaluated as a potential spouse) or you hold the conviction that “dating is a testing ground for various relationships that eventually lead to choosing a spouse,” you want to have clear guidelines to keep your teen’s relational ship from succumbing to the heavy emotional waves that are sure to come during these dating years.
Certainly we want the best for our children, and as parents we are often the best objective voice of reason to them. We cannot place particular boundaries around their emotions but we can and must place guidelines and boundaries around their choices. They need to know that we have their optimal benefit in mind and to seek your approval before their heart engages in a relationship that you do not approve.
The Scriptures tell us (2 Corinthians 6:14) not to become unequally yoked with unbelievers, referring primarily to the marriage relationship, but we would not want to set up our teen to have a relationship that could eventually result in marriage to an unbeliever. Allowing a teen to dabble in relationships with unbelievers is playing with fire — no matter how “nice” he seems. A young man may seem nice, polite and all that, but does he hold the same standards as you do for your daughter in the areas of morality, purity, media choices, speech and so forth? An unbeliever simply will not. 1 Corinthians 15:33 warns us very directly, “Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals.” Being “nice” or “a great guy” falls desperately short of the godly young man who (while also young and susceptible to emotions/hormones) hopefully has your daughter’s best interest at heart and respects you as her parents. In other words, Christian kids need accountability, too!
Many young men interested in lovely young ladies will declare their belief in God thinking if they say the right words they will “win the prize.” This happens all too often, I am sad to say. Often young couples marry only to discover in time that they are unequally yoked.
Any worthy young suitor should be happy and willing to speak to a young lady’s father/parents for permission to date. It is not a private matter between the young man and your daughter. That argument should raise a red flag for you. His willingness to speak to you as the parents demonstrates his respect — or lack thereof — for you and your husband.
A person may refer to himself as a believer, but this falls short of a profession of faith in Christ. Any true believer has no qualms about sharing their faith or their testimony. In fact, it is the natural declaration of a person who has the Holy Spirit residing in them.
I once had a conversation with a close friend who was considering a relationship with a man. I asked her if he was a believer and she emphatically stated, “Yes!” Then I asked her to confirm that he was a born-again believer to which she replied, “Well, I don’t know about THAT!” “THAT” says it all. It cannot be both ways and you will be able to tell.
I would encourage you not to allow your daughter to date anyone who does not have a clear profession of faith in Christ as their Savior and Lord and a testimony of how they came to this faith. Even though he is young, you will want to know that he has developed convictions for his life and that he lives under the authority of God’s Word.
In the Entrusted with a Child’s Heart book, we refer to these indicators of faith as “vital signs of a true believer” (see pages 448-450 and 495-499). The Bible instructs us that we can evaluate a person’s spiritual life by their spiritual fruit.
Here are a several examples of how this works:
- Does the young person profess Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord? True believers cannot help but speak of what the Lord means to them and what He is doing in their lives. Believers do not treat such matters as “private” or as “none of your business.”
- Does he seek out and enjoy the fellowship of other believers by attending church, youth group or other Christian fellowship? Or does he attempt to isolate your daughter and keep her from you, from her Christian friends, commitments, or devotional time?
- Does he exemplify godly character in his attitude and behavior? Does he demonstrate respect for you and your daughter by following your instructions or boundaries? Or is he dismissive of you and the standards you have instilled in your daughter?
- Does he have a track record and convictions for moral purity? Does he separate himself from the world’s value system and activities? Can he state his convictions to you? Or does he think that you are unrealistic, too rigid, out of touch or old-fashioned?
- Does he encourage your daughter’s relationship with you as her parents — or does he pull her away from you, encouraging your daughter to be sneaky or keep secrets? Is he drawing her into things that are compromising her relationship with you or her walk with the Lord? In other words, does he lead her in the paths of righteousness or cause her to stumble? At some point, you will be helping your daughter choose a man who will be her leader, provider and protector. Do you observe the potential for these things in this young man?
Having a good chat between Dad and the young man, before emotions are overly engaged is essential. Even if Dad says, “No” to a particular suitor and your daughter becomes distraught, hang tough. It is a precious and pure demonstration of a father’s leading, provision and protection over his daughter. Some day he will consent and will essentially transfer this responsibility to his new son-in-law. Don’t give in to the emotional pleadings of your daughter if you KNOW the relationship is not in her best interest.
May the Lord bless your relationship as you grow together in directing your daughter down the path of making one of the most critical choices in her life. Show her how much you care for her and love her. And I pray that she will trust you as you seek the Lord in these decisions.
Applying Biblical Truth to Everyday Life
© Entrusted Ministries