Your QuestionsHere you can find some of our most commonly asked questions answered by the author of Entrusted with a Child's Heart, Betsy Corning. Or you may choose to submit your own question by using the Contact Us tab at the top of the page - we will be glad to consider it for future posting!
Your Questions - Entries tagged "Toddlers"
FriFridayFebFebruary24th2012
How to Discipline a Toddler Who Is Swatting at Others?
Dear Betsy,
My daughter who turned two this week has recently started occasionally taking her hand and swatting me, or her older brothers in the face when she doesn’t get her way. This is out of character for her because she has a kind, loving, easy-going demeanor. I am in the Entrusted study currently and I felt that in our home I should spank her for this. Is spanking a good discipline choice for this face swatting issue for when we are in private? Also, she swatted me once in the grocery store this week and by the time we were in the car, it was already 15 minutes after the incident so I didn’t know the best way to discipline at that point since it was long after her behavior problem. What do you suggest if she does it again in public?
All for Him!
Dear All for Him:
Young children will try some outlandish, willful behaviors as they are growing up — especially if they can get away with them. Our job as parents who are entrusted with the care and training of these little ones is to identify the source of these behaviors:
- Immaturity or ignorance in need of instruction
- Defiance or willful behavior in need of discipline and correction, or
- Emotions in need of proper perspective, admonition, exhortation, or encouragement.
Thankfully, you recognize the behavior for what it is: wanting to have her own way, rather than submitting her will. Therefore, it is her will that needs to be addressed (corrected/disciplined) but since she is so young she is also demonstrating her immaturity in not fully understanding that swatting someone in the face is not acceptable behavior. (Though the responses/reactions she receives from those she swats no likely delivers that message!)
So let’s first address training her mind so that she “knows better” and then secondly, address her willful behavior so that she learns to humbly submit her will to choosing the appropriate behavior. Here’s a possible way to train her in these areas: (Keep in mind that this recommendation is for a two year-old. An older child who already “knows better” should be dealt with according to their willfulness/defiance with discipline. And even as soon as she has this understanding, discipline is the appropriate response).
When she attempts to swat, calmly but firmly take hold of her hands placing them down to her sides or in her lap as you continue to hold them and say, “No swatting/slapping.” Continue to hold her hands until she relaxes even if she begins to get defiant. Wait her out until she submits then release her hands and repeat, “Momma said, no swatting.” Have her respond, “Ok, momma.” If she refuses, wait her out calmly until she gives you the proper response. When she says, “Ok, Momma” then give her a hug and say, “all done.” This correction also works well in public situations.
Keep your directions simple, concise and repetitive so that she learns how you will respond to this behavior and what you expect from her. And so importantly, be consistent should the swatting behavior recur. Also, when she is in a carefree, easy-going mode as you describe her, reinforce this training by teaching her to sit properly or to make requests appropriately. Praise her when she makes “right choices” by saying something like, “You are sitting nicely, thank you. You are making a right choice.”
If she falls back to her old pattern of swatting (after all, training is a process), inform her that she can make the right choice giving her the opportunity to obey before you have to respond in discipline. You might tell her that if she makes the wrong choice, she will get a spank. Be sure to follow through with the “full-circle” as instructed in Entrusted with a Child's Heart (pp. 210-212, 249), so that she will understand that there are consequences to disobedient or defiant behavior and so that your training will be effective.
Also, talk to her about being “soft/gentle” with people, pets, special things and how we are careful, loving and respectful to people; that swatting is not loving or gentle.
It is wise to help your child generalize this training to other areas of behavior. For example, it is good training to teach our children to sit without grabbing, poking, and other unacceptable behaviors, not just swatting. To train them to sit with their hands in their laps or folded will eliminate potential problems. My daughter, who has four children, all close in age, not to mention proximity, were tempted to “pick or poke” as siblings are prone to do. She would often say, while walking for instance, “hands in pockets,” and they would walk nicely in a line. Or while riding in the car, she would instruct “hands in laps” when they got antsy.
Blessings to you as you teach your daughter to humble herself to your training and to treat people with gentle kindness.
FriFridaySepSeptember23rd2011
Clingy Toddler -- Maturity or Discipline Matter?
Dear Betsy,
I have a clingy, whiny, 20-month-old boy. He is content to play on his own for some periods of time but generally follows me around the house while I’m trying to get things done, crying to be picked up. When someone else is with him like my husband or a babysitter, he is perfectly fine until I come in the door and then he starts the crying and whining again. Is this a matter of discipline or maturity? I’m not sure how to handle it. It exasperates me and frustrates my husband.
-- Exasperated Mom
Dear Exasperated,
It is probably a matter of both discipline and maturity, but mostly maturity so let’s talk about that part first.
Children of this age have a deep and precious bond with their mothers. You, even more than Dad, at this stage of his life are his greatest human source of security, comfort, and let’s face it – food. You understand his needs and desires more than anyone else and he seeks you out above all to be constantly meeting those needs, which is where the whining and manipulative behavior can take root.
Young children want to be near their mothers. If you run upstairs for a second, they feel uneasy or possibly unsafe. If you need to make a run to the bathroom, they are sitting outside the door. This obviously makes life challenging as we try to accomplish daily tasks. But it is okay and a normal part of this season of life.
To meet his need to be connected and to feel secure and loved, spend time holding him, rocking, singing, calming him. I remember thinking at times like this in my own life, “I know the Lord will help me get everything else done. It is okay to give concentrated time to my little one. The Lord is showing me I need to take a break and be with my child.”
Sometimes they are acting out just to be held and cuddled, and meeting this need is not spoiling them. They don’t always know the proper way to ask for a need to be met so they cry, tug at us, or whine. It is like a hunger pang that needs to be satisfied. Be willing to give him a bit more time holding and cuddling. When his emotional tank is “filled” he will spend more time playing.
Another matter of maturity is that children who have been dropped off at the church nursery let’s say, for some time with no trouble, may suddenly panic at the prospect when they reach the age of 15-21 months, setting off a vocal alarm when dropped off.
As they are developing, they are becoming more aware of their surroundings and that “Mom” is not there. They are not as easily fooled by you stepping out of sight! They are growing up. It is okay to leave them so that they learn you are coming back. Don’t start believing that you cannot leave them for an hour or so. They need to learn to be away from you and not manipulate you into staying with them. These two scenarios may seem like contradictions but they are not. This last scenario is an example of “separation anxiety."
Now, to address the matter of discipline. Wanting to be held by you or be near you is not an issue in need of discipline, but whining is a behavior that you will want to discourage. In other words, do not respond to the whining by giving him what he wants. He has to learn that whining will not work. Please refer to the chapter "Recognizing and Handling Manipulation" of Entrusted with a Child’s Heart to read more about dealing with the manipulation of whining. I am guessing that this is the part that is exasperating your husband because whining is one of those things that rates up there with scratching your nails across a blackboard!
Discipline may be needed at some point but for now teach him how to express needs without whining. Do not pick him up when he whines. Teach him an appropriate way to get your attention, like saying, “Mama, please" or using some type of nonverbal signal if he is not yet speaking. Then get down to his eye level and talk to him. Most whining starts as an effort to be heard, then grows into a habit because “it is working.” Another practical idea (since sometimes you just need to get things done!) would be to put the child in a high chair either with a snack or a small toy you know will occupy him, and put the chair in a place where he can see you. This can be a lifesaver during meal preparation time!
Finally, remember the Bible’s encouragement, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” (Galatians 6:9) Training a child to be more independent of Mom is an important task. However, keep in mind that this stage will not last forever! One day you may find yourself wishing your child needed you just a little bit more.
Warmly,
Please Note: This counsel is given from a distinctively biblical worldview, and therefore, is being offered with the assumption that the reader has placed him or herself under the authority of Scripture. Also, please remember that these answers are designed to give general parenting advice and are not intended to give specific counsel to specific situations. If you have extenuating circumstances, please seek the professional advice of your pastor, physician, or counselor.
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