Your QuestionsHere you can find some of our most commonly asked questions answered by the author of Entrusted with a Child's Heart, Betsy Corning. Or you may choose to submit your own question by using the Contact Us tab at the top of the page - we will be glad to consider it for future posting!
Your Questions - Entries tagged "Childhood Development"
TueTuesdayJanJanuary24th2012
How to Help Children Deal with Anger?
Dear Betsy,
I have a 6-year-old son who has struggled with anger and control issues since he was 3 years old. As a result, to this day he will stamp his feet, flail his arms and either cry, whine or complain in an angry tone VERY loudly when something disappoints him (most often, when he has to stop what he is doing, and switch to a new activity). I have begun to spank him every time he exhibits this behavior but I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Am I being controlling in trying to force him to stop, and eventually through maturity and growth in Christ he will stop without me spanking? He has shown fruit - that the Holy Spirit is in him. Often I will send him to his room to pray and “ask Jesus to help you WANT to have a good attitude.” He will come down with a completely changed attitude and behavior for the rest of the day. Am I being too harsh?
Sincerely, Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned:
We all deal with control issues as we learn humility, self-control, and other fruits of a disciplined life. These things are not “givens”; they are not guaranteed with age and will not automatically be characteristic of a person’s life even if they are an adult believer. That is why we have such an amazing stewardship of our children. God is entrusting us to train them in these things and more.
Discipline but Don't Exasperate. Be assured that every mother relates to being schooled in this one at some time or other! When children disobey they need to be disciplined. They need to learn how to bring their will under yours and see you as their authority. However children are tender little people who desire and need a close bond with their parents. And we have to be careful not to go so far as to exasperate or "provoke them to anger" (Ephesians 6:4).
Children want to please us and they are crushed in spirit when they sense our disappointment. But biblical discipline is divinely humane as it brings the offender and the offended back into fellowship and makes a way for the sin/disobedience to be dealt with for good. That is why it is so important to address willful disobedience in a young child and that he understand that he has a way back -- a way to make things right again.
Going Full Circle. Our Heavenly Father deals with us in much the same way so that as sinful beings we can be cleansed and live in fellowship with Him. 1 John 1:9 assures us that, “if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
In Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, we refer to this way back as “going full-circle” in discipline which means that when we sin,
- we admit and take responsibility for it,
- we make amends and are restored,
- we know the right choice to make if the situation comes up again, and
- we are forgiven and restored.
(See the lesson “Committed to Discipline” for further reading on this topic or check our website archives for related articles.)
However if children do not understand their discipline or if their discipline is not taken full-circle, there will be a breakdown between the parent and child. When this happens, the child or the parent may become embittered against the other (even parents can become exasperated!). Hence a downward spiral that further disconnects the parent and child can begin. If we are not watchful or protective of this special bond all sorts of “interesting behaviors” may erupt.
Be Sensitive to your Child's Temperament. Sometimes I call this kind of exasperation in children simply being “undone.” And here is where we add another consideration into the mix – your child’s temperament. I did not mention this upfront because it is secondary to the training that God desires for His children regardless of their temperament.
Children can have different thresholds of when they “undo” or become exasperated, but we still have a duty to teach them to be self disciplined and controlled so that they don’t manipulate you to the point of giving up and not carrying through to discipline. In other words, don’t be tempted to excuse his behavior because of “temperament.” Children may be strong-willed, compliant or withdrawn, but we still need to be watchful of their wills, minds, and emotions.
Plan Ahead. I encourage you to spend some time thinking and praying through your plan ahead of time so that you can be “comfortable” in your discipline with your children. When you are not, they may sense that and take control of the situation through various manipulative techniques. But in any case, you must take your son full-circle and help him understand what is occurring through it. He needs to learn that you are consistent and committed to his maturity in all aspects.
Cool Down Time. Sometimes spanking is not the answer, but the child is still accountable for sinful behavior and the full-circle will address this. If they are particularly “undone” they may need a bit of quiet time to ponder their situation. This is one of those rare situations that such a “time out” may be appropriate.
Five-Minute Warnings. When you tell him it is time to stop, you might instead say, “Five minute warning” meaning in five minutes you are to stop. His response needs to be “Okay, Mom” indicating that he heard you and that when you say time is up, it is up. You can even make a game of practicing this in situations that are not so difficult to stop. Give him opportunities to learn to “make the right choice” and have success so that you are not exhausted with constantly feeling as if you are having to discipline or correct him.
Do-overs Allowed. I know a young mother of four with one son who seems to struggle more than the rest of her children when he encounters sudden “changes in direction” and so forth as you mentioned. She sometimes says to her son, “You can have a do-over. This doesn’t have to effect the rest of your day,” meaning you can choose right now to have a proper response going forward. Knowing there is a way to work through to a right conclusion and a new start reassures the child who knows his life has just spun out of control.
In fact, once when this child was told “tomorrow is a new day,” he responded, “I don’t want to wait until tomorrow, I want to start now.” What a sweet response in the heart of the child who is learning to make the right choices and defeat his own defiant will. The wisdom of this young mother reveals her understanding of her child’s need for tenderness and accountability. This is what training does over time but it is a long process, a lifelong process.
May the Lord bless you in the process.
FriFridayOctOctober21st2011
Helping Children Develop a Devotional Lifestyle?
Dear Betsy:
At what age would you suggest children begin to read their Bible and have a devotional life?
Curious…
Dear Curious:
Obviously, the Bible is difficult for smaller children to read and understand. And since you want to develop a love the Lord and prayer as a natural part of their lives along with an ever deepening trust in God, you will not want to approach this important discipline as a mere “task” to be performed. However, the truth is that we do not become disciplined in anything without a considerable amount of effort, obedience and perseverance. I often told my kids, “Don’t look for the shortcut. It will not really get you where you want to be.”
All that being said, we gauge our teaching and training so that it is age-appropriate, engaging, and at the same time a bit challenging. If they grow up seeing Mom and Dad reading the Bible, praying and memorizing Scripture, it will not only seem like a regular part of life, but they will be intrigued by what Mom and Dad are doing and learning. So along with modeling a devotion to God, we share “teachable moments” with our children about how God is working in our lives (Deut 6:6-7). In this way, developing a “quiet time” or devotional life can start well before their ability to read the Bible.
In Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, we suggest a “Thinking Time” (in the chapter entitled, “Character Building”) for children who have outgrown naps. Occasionally they still may need a nap so this is a good “transitioner,” but even older children benefit from some “down time” to just be quiet, focus on the Lord, pray and think. For me, it was so helpful for my children to rest and have a half-hour alone sometime between arriving home from school and beginning dinner. (You can see that the timing is strategic to keep the house calm while prepping dinner.)
Also, be sure to be reading great Bible stories and devotional books to them. You may want to start a family devotional time or a bedtime story and chat time. Two books along these lines that I recommend are The Jesus Storybook Bible and Choosing God’s Way, but there are many wonderful choices. Scripture memory is also a great way for children to tuck away truth from the Scriptures, especially since they are such little sponges and so able to memorize! Entrusted offers a Scripture Memory CD featuring 23 verses set to song that will appeal to all ages.
Continue to help your children cultivate a devotional style as they grow. Around the age of twelve or so they will be ready to begin reading the Bible. Set realistic goals for how long (five to ten minutes) or how much (ten verses or one chapter). Have them journal what they are getting out of their reading. When our children reached thirty days in a row, they received a special Bible like Mom and Dad. Help them grow into this discipline. (For more on this see the chapter on “Growing Godly Disciplines” in Entrusted with a Child’s Heart).
For parents interested in reading through the Bible with their teens, I recommend reading through chronologically to give the best overview of the entire Bible. The parent and teen read on their own, then once a week discuss what the Lord is teaching them. You may even have them color-code or highlight themes in the Bible. For example, when reading Proverbs, have them highlight “wise choices” in one color and “foolish choices” in another. For the older child or teen, they may be challenged with learning the “Top Fifty” Scripture Memory verses found in the Appendix of Entrusted with a Child’s Heart Book Format.
We are currently piloting and developing a curriculum for developing a devotional lifestyle called, Get The Word Out. Nancy, from our office, is using this resource while reading through the Bible (using a two-year reading schedule) with her sixteen-year old. We hope to have this new curriculum complete and available next fall. In the mean time contact us if you would like a copy of the two-year chronological reading plan.
Blessings,
FriFridaySepSeptember23rd2011
Clingy Toddler -- Maturity or Discipline Matter?
Dear Betsy,
I have a clingy, whiny, 20-month-old boy. He is content to play on his own for some periods of time but generally follows me around the house while I’m trying to get things done, crying to be picked up. When someone else is with him like my husband or a babysitter, he is perfectly fine until I come in the door and then he starts the crying and whining again. Is this a matter of discipline or maturity? I’m not sure how to handle it. It exasperates me and frustrates my husband.
-- Exasperated Mom
Dear Exasperated,
It is probably a matter of both discipline and maturity, but mostly maturity so let’s talk about that part first.
Children of this age have a deep and precious bond with their mothers. You, even more than Dad, at this stage of his life are his greatest human source of security, comfort, and let’s face it – food. You understand his needs and desires more than anyone else and he seeks you out above all to be constantly meeting those needs, which is where the whining and manipulative behavior can take root.
Young children want to be near their mothers. If you run upstairs for a second, they feel uneasy or possibly unsafe. If you need to make a run to the bathroom, they are sitting outside the door. This obviously makes life challenging as we try to accomplish daily tasks. But it is okay and a normal part of this season of life.
To meet his need to be connected and to feel secure and loved, spend time holding him, rocking, singing, calming him. I remember thinking at times like this in my own life, “I know the Lord will help me get everything else done. It is okay to give concentrated time to my little one. The Lord is showing me I need to take a break and be with my child.”
Sometimes they are acting out just to be held and cuddled, and meeting this need is not spoiling them. They don’t always know the proper way to ask for a need to be met so they cry, tug at us, or whine. It is like a hunger pang that needs to be satisfied. Be willing to give him a bit more time holding and cuddling. When his emotional tank is “filled” he will spend more time playing.
Another matter of maturity is that children who have been dropped off at the church nursery let’s say, for some time with no trouble, may suddenly panic at the prospect when they reach the age of 15-21 months, setting off a vocal alarm when dropped off.
As they are developing, they are becoming more aware of their surroundings and that “Mom” is not there. They are not as easily fooled by you stepping out of sight! They are growing up. It is okay to leave them so that they learn you are coming back. Don’t start believing that you cannot leave them for an hour or so. They need to learn to be away from you and not manipulate you into staying with them. These two scenarios may seem like contradictions but they are not. This last scenario is an example of “separation anxiety."
Now, to address the matter of discipline. Wanting to be held by you or be near you is not an issue in need of discipline, but whining is a behavior that you will want to discourage. In other words, do not respond to the whining by giving him what he wants. He has to learn that whining will not work. Please refer to the chapter "Recognizing and Handling Manipulation" of Entrusted with a Child’s Heart to read more about dealing with the manipulation of whining. I am guessing that this is the part that is exasperating your husband because whining is one of those things that rates up there with scratching your nails across a blackboard!
Discipline may be needed at some point but for now teach him how to express needs without whining. Do not pick him up when he whines. Teach him an appropriate way to get your attention, like saying, “Mama, please" or using some type of nonverbal signal if he is not yet speaking. Then get down to his eye level and talk to him. Most whining starts as an effort to be heard, then grows into a habit because “it is working.” Another practical idea (since sometimes you just need to get things done!) would be to put the child in a high chair either with a snack or a small toy you know will occupy him, and put the chair in a place where he can see you. This can be a lifesaver during meal preparation time!
Finally, remember the Bible’s encouragement, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” (Galatians 6:9) Training a child to be more independent of Mom is an important task. However, keep in mind that this stage will not last forever! One day you may find yourself wishing your child needed you just a little bit more.
Warmly,
Please Note: This counsel is given from a distinctively biblical worldview, and therefore, is being offered with the assumption that the reader has placed him or herself under the authority of Scripture. Also, please remember that these answers are designed to give general parenting advice and are not intended to give specific counsel to specific situations. If you have extenuating circumstances, please seek the professional advice of your pastor, physician, or counselor.
FriFridayAugAugust5th2011
Realistic Expectations for Children Sitting Still?
Dear Betsy,
What are realistic expectations for a four year-old sitting still at meals, church, in restaurants, etc.?
-Ants in his pants
Dear Ants,
A healthy, well-rested four year-old should be able to sit through a meal at a restaurant or an hour-long event without unruly behavior. Do not exasperate a child, however, by expecting them to sit quietly for extended periods of time (for example in a long church service that is not geared to them at all. Just imagine if you were expected to sit for an hour and watch Barney!) Children, by nature, require a certain amount of physical activity. Anything over an hour is really expecting a lot for a young child.
This is an area of training and maturity over time. It is not a matter of them just sitting still when they reach the “magic age” of four. This, of course, will vary from child to child.
1 Corinthians 13:11 reminds us that children do not act like adults, and they should not be expected to. “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.”
Remember it’s a process, but what direction are we going in our training process? We are training them to eventually sit still without having to be entertained or occupied.
Plan ahead, and if you are in a restaurant, for example, have something special for them to nibble on while waiting, or a small toy they can play with that won’t be disruptive to those around them. Also teach them proper manners as to how to express their needs. One of our family restaurant rules was, “If someone at another table can hear what you’re saying, you are too loud.” Adults should be able to relax and enjoy a meal without constant focus on or interruption from the children. On the other hand, don't ignore them; they need to feel like they are part of the dining experience.
Please remember to be reasonable and respectful of your surroundings, especially in a church service. My opinion is that a worship center should not be treated like a movie theater or a coffee house but as a place of worship. Certainly it should be a place where children are welcomed, but it shouldn’t be the only place where they are being trained to sit still. They should be learning this even at home at the dinner table. (See tip on “Dinner Pants.") It is disrespectful to the people around you as well as to the speaker to have children who are disruptive or in constant motion.
One general tip that may seem obvious, but many parents seem to forget, is to make sure your children have visited the restroom before they will be expected to sit for an extended period of time. Also, be sensitive to their routine and do not stretch them too far beyond their scheduled mealtimes or naps.
(For further discussion about levels of maturity and reasonable expectations, see Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, pages 224-226).
Warmly,
Please Note: This
counsel is given from a distinctively biblical worldview, and therefore, is being
offered with the assumption that the reader has placed him or
herself under the authority of Scripture. Also, please remember that these answers are designed to give general parenting
advice and are not intended to give specific counsel to specific situations. If
you have extenuating circumstances, please seek the professional advice of
your pastor, physician, or counselor.
Applying Biblical Truth to Everyday Life
© Entrusted Ministries