Your QuestionsHere you can find some of our most commonly asked questions answered by the author of Entrusted with a Child's Heart, Betsy Corning. Or you may choose to submit your own question by using the Contact Us tab at the top of the page - we will be glad to consider it for future posting!

Your Questions

FriFridayFebFebruary17th2012

Dating Relationships

Posted Friday, February 17 2012 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged No tags 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

We have a 17 year old teen who has asked to start dating. The boy she likes is very nice, but she is unsure if he is a Christian. She argues that it is hard to have in-depth conversations if she’s never alone with him, but we are reluctant to give her the OK to go out with him if we don’t know if he’s a believer or not. What do you suggest?
- Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned,

When your daughter reaches the age that you determine as fitting for her to date; be sure that you have also established clear delineations for dating, such as “how often," “how late,” “with whom” and so forth.

The “with whom” part is extremely important not only for the obvious immediate impact and implications on your daughter’s life but also for her future. Therefore, whether you hold the conviction that “dating is for the purpose of choosing a mate” (meaning that every suitor is evaluated as a potential spouse) or you hold the conviction that “dating is a testing ground for various relationships that eventually lead to choosing a spouse,” you want to have clear guidelines to keep your teen’s relational ship from succumbing to the heavy emotional waves that are sure to come during these dating years.

Certainly we want the best for our children, and as parents we are often the best objective voice of reason to them. We cannot place particular boundaries around their emotions but we can and must place guidelines and boundaries around their choices. They need to know that we have their optimal benefit in mind and to seek your approval before their heart engages in a relationship that you do not approve.

The Scriptures tell us (2 Corinthians 6:14) not to become unequally yoked with unbelievers, referring primarily to the marriage relationship, but we would not want to set up our teen to have a relationship that could eventually result in marriage to an unbeliever. Allowing a teen to dabble in relationships with unbelievers is playing with fire — no matter how “nice” he seems. A young man may seem nice, polite and all that, but does he hold the same standards as you do for your daughter in the areas of morality, purity, media choices, speech and so forth? An unbeliever simply will not. 1 Corinthians 15:33 warns us very directly, “Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals.” Being “nice” or “a great guy” falls desperately short of the godly young man who (while also young and susceptible to emotions/hormones) hopefully has your daughter’s best interest at heart and respects you as her parents. In other words, Christian kids need accountability, too!

Many young men interested in lovely young ladies will declare their belief in God thinking if they say the right words they will “win the prize.” This happens all too often, I am sad to say. Often young couples marry only to discover in time that they are unequally yoked.

Any worthy young suitor should be happy and willing to speak to a young lady’s father/parents for permission to date. It is not a private matter between the young man and your daughter. That argument should raise a red flag for you. His willingness to speak to you as the parents demonstrates his respect — or lack thereof — for you and your husband.

A person may refer to himself as a believer, but this falls short of a profession of faith in Christ. Any true believer has no qualms about sharing their faith or their testimony. In fact, it is the natural declaration of a person who has the Holy Spirit residing in them.

I once had a conversation with a close friend who was considering a relationship with a man. I asked her if he was a believer and she emphatically stated, “Yes!” Then I asked her to confirm that he was a born-again believer to which she replied, “Well, I don’t know about THAT!” “THAT” says it all. It cannot be both ways and you will be able to tell.

I would encourage you not to allow your daughter to date anyone who does not have a clear profession of faith in Christ as their Savior and Lord and a testimony of how they came to this faith. Even though he is young, you will want to know that he has developed convictions for his life and that he lives under the authority of God’s Word.

In the Entrusted with a Child’s Heart book, we refer to these indicators of faith as “vital signs of a true believer” (see pages 448-450 and 495-499). The Bible instructs us that we can evaluate a person’s spiritual life by their spiritual fruit.

Here are a several examples of how this works:

Does the young person profess Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord? True believers cannot help but speak of what the Lord means to them and what He is doing in their lives. Believers do not treat such matters as “private” or as “none of your business.”
Does he seek out and enjoy the fellowship of other believers by attending church, youth group or other Christian fellowship? Or does he attempt to isolate your daughter and keep her from you, from her Christian friends, commitments, or devotional time?
Does he exemplify godly character in his attitude and behavior? Does he demonstrate respect for you and your daughter by following your instructions or boundaries? Or is he dismissive of you and the standards you have instilled in your daughter?
Does he have a track record and convictions for moral purity? Does he separate himself from the world’s value system and activities? Can he state his convictions to you? Or does he think that you are unrealistic, too rigid, out of touch or old-fashioned?
Does he encourage your daughter’s relationship with you as her parents — or does he pull her away from you, encouraging your daughter to be sneaky or keep secrets? Is he drawing her into things that are compromising her relationship with you or her walk with the Lord? In other words, does he lead her in the paths of righteousness or cause her to stumble? At some point, you will be helping your daughter choose a man who will be her leader, provider and protector. Do you observe the potential for these things in this young man?

Having a good chat between Dad and the young man, before emotions are overly engaged is essential. Even if Dad says, “No” to a particular suitor and your daughter becomes distraught, hang tough. It is a precious and pure demonstration of a father’s leading, provision and protection over his daughter. Some day he will consent and will essentially transfer this responsibility to his new son-in-law. Don’t give in to the emotional pleadings of your daughter if you KNOW the relationship is not in her best interest.

May the Lord bless your relationship as you grow together in directing your daughter down the path of making one of the most critical choices in her life. Show her how much you care for her and love her. And I pray that she will trust you as you seek the Lord in these decisions.

FriFridayOctOctober21st2011

Helping Children Develop a Devotional Lifestyle?

Posted Friday, October 21 2011 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Childhood Development Discipleship Spiritual Training 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy:

At what age would you suggest children begin to read their Bible and have a devotional life?
Curious…

Dear Curious:

Obviously, the Bible is difficult for smaller children to read and understand. And since you want to develop a love the Lord and prayer as a natural part of their lives along with an ever deepening trust in God, you will not want to approach this important discipline as a mere “task” to be performed. However, the truth is that we do not become disciplined in anything without a considerable amount of effort, obedience and perseverance. I often told my kids, “Don’t look for the shortcut. It will not really get you where you want to be.”

All that being said, we gauge our teaching and training so that it is age-appropriate, engaging, and at the same time a bit challenging. If they grow up seeing Mom and Dad reading the Bible, praying and memorizing Scripture, it will not only seem like a regular part of life, but they will be intrigued by what Mom and Dad are doing and learning. So along with modeling a devotion to God, we share “teachable moments” with our children about how God is working in our lives (Deut 6:6-7). In this way, developing a “quiet time” or devotional life can start well before their ability to read the Bible.

In Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, we suggest a “Thinking Time” (in the chapter entitled, “Character Building”) for children who have outgrown naps. Occasionally they still may need a nap so this is a good “transitioner,” but even older children benefit from some “down time” to just be quiet, focus on the Lord, pray and think. For me, it was so helpful for my children to rest and have a half-hour alone sometime between arriving home from school and beginning dinner. (You can see that the timing is strategic to keep the house calm while prepping dinner.)

Also, be sure to be reading great Bible stories and devotional books to them. You may want to start a family devotional time or a bedtime story and chat time. Two books along these lines that I recommend are The Jesus Storybook Bible and Choosing God’s Way, but there are many wonderful choices. Scripture memory is also a great way for children to tuck away truth from the Scriptures, especially since they are such little sponges and so able to memorize! Entrusted offers a Scripture Memory CD featuring 23 verses set to song that will appeal to all ages.

Continue to help your children cultivate a devotional style as they grow. Around the age of twelve or so they will be ready to begin reading the Bible. Set realistic goals for how long (five to ten minutes) or how much (ten verses or one chapter). Have them journal what they are getting out of their reading. When our children reached thirty days in a row, they received a special Bible like Mom and Dad. Help them grow into this discipline. (For more on this see the chapter on “Growing Godly Disciplines” in Entrusted with a Child’s Heart).

For parents interested in reading through the Bible with their teens, I recommend reading through chronologically to give the best overview of the entire Bible. The parent and teen read on their own, then once a week discuss what the Lord is teaching them. You may even have them color-code or highlight themes in the Bible. For example, when reading Proverbs, have them highlight “wise choices” in one color and “foolish choices” in another. For the older child or teen, they may be challenged with learning the “Top Fifty” Scripture Memory verses found in the Appendix of Entrusted with a Child’s Heart Book Format.

We are currently piloting and developing a curriculum for developing a devotional lifestyle called, Get The Word Out. Nancy, from our office, is using this resource while reading through the Bible (using a two-year reading schedule) with her sixteen-year old. We hope to have this new curriculum complete and available next fall. In the mean time contact us if you would like a copy of the two-year chronological reading plan.

Blessings,

FriFridayOctOctober7th2011

Top Tech Tips for Families?

Posted Friday, October 07 2011 @ 10 AM byEntrusted Staff Tagged Personal Convictions 0 comments Add comment

This past spring, while speaking at a family conference, Dave and Betsy Corning met a dynamic couple named Robbie and Denise Grimes. They were so excited to hear that the Grimeses share the same passion for Scripture Memorization! In fact, their ministry, Higher Ground Family offers many biblical resources for families, such as a Family Devotional with Scripture Memory Songs, (coming out soon) and fun children’s DVDs that contain a biblical message.

Robbie also speaks at schools on the topic of modern technology. Since we frequently receive questions on this topic from parents, we asked Robbie to share his insights with us. We will pass on to our Entrusted blog readers five today and five next week.

It is such a challenge to keep on top of the latest technology advances and this is a source of real concern for many parents. For that reason, we are extremely grateful for Robbie’s expertise and for his willingness to share it with us.

Get in the game — your kids already are!

Robbie's Top Tech Tips for Families

At a minimum, set the safe search settings in your browser or computer to “Block Inappropriate Content.” There are also accountability and filtering tools, like www.covenanteyes.com and www.netnanny.com. These filters and controls are helpful, but don’t rely fully on them. The Internet cannot be “childproofed.” That job is up to us as parents.
Check social networking rules for the minimum age requirement, but also use your parental judgment to determine whether your child is educated and mature enough to handle this type of social interaction. Just because 13 is the minimum age for having a Facebook page, does not mean your child is ready to be a member of the Facebook community.
Become a member and get to know the culture of the cyber-environments your children are interested in using before they join. Be sure they understand there will be an “open-door policy” with all technology they are using. They must understand you will be their “Friend” on Facebook and MySpace, will be following them on Twitter, and will be checking in on their other friends and the communication that is happening. Your children need to know you are there to help keep them safe.
Utilize the parental controls that are available on your child’s cell phone. Most providers have options to limit the amount and times of usage and to block specific incoming and outgoing texts or calls. Certain plans also allow you to set up a list of approved callers who can call or send text messages to your child.
Show your children positive ways to use technology. Model the use of an online Bible tool such as www.biblegateway.com or www.blueletterbible.org. Introduce them to a new educational game available on-line like www.funbrain.com, www.coolmath.com, www.exploratorium.com, or let the creative part of their brain grow by using a site like www.glogster.com.
Stress the importance of security with the technology they are using. Children should NEVER submit any personal information online unless they’ve checked with you first. Some websites require an email address and first or last names. Explain the dangers of sharing usernames and passwords with others. Additionally, ensure that your computer software is up-to-date. This includes the updates for the operating system as well as a firewall and virus and spam protection. Some popular virus/spam programs are www.symantec.com, www.norton.com, and www.mcafee.com. A free virus/spamware program can be found at http://free.avg.com.

FriFridaySepSeptember23rd2011

Clingy Toddler -- Maturity or Discipline Matter?

Posted Friday, September 23 2011 @ 9 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Childhood Development Manipulation Toddlers 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

I have a clingy, whiny, 20-month-old boy. He is content to play on his own for some periods of time but generally follows me around the house while I’m trying to get things done, crying to be picked up. When someone else is with him like my husband or a babysitter, he is perfectly fine until I come in the door and then he starts the crying and whining again. Is this a matter of discipline or maturity? I’m not sure how to handle it. It exasperates me and frustrates my husband.
-- Exasperated Mom

Dear Exasperated,

It is probably a matter of both discipline and maturity, but mostly maturity so let’s talk about that part first.

Children of this age have a deep and precious bond with their mothers. You, even more than Dad, at this stage of his life are his greatest human source of security, comfort, and let’s face it – food. You understand his needs and desires more than anyone else and he seeks you out above all to be constantly meeting those needs, which is where the whining and manipulative behavior can take root.

Young children want to be near their mothers. If you run upstairs for a second, they feel uneasy or possibly unsafe. If you need to make a run to the bathroom, they are sitting outside the door. This obviously makes life challenging as we try to accomplish daily tasks. But it is okay and a normal part of this season of life.

To meet his need to be connected and to feel secure and loved, spend time holding him, rocking, singing, calming him. I remember thinking at times like this in my own life, “I know the Lord will help me get everything else done. It is okay to give concentrated time to my little one. The Lord is showing me I need to take a break and be with my child.”

Sometimes they are acting out just to be held and cuddled, and meeting this need is not spoiling them. They don’t always know the proper way to ask for a need to be met so they cry, tug at us, or whine. It is like a hunger pang that needs to be satisfied. Be willing to give him a bit more time holding and cuddling. When his emotional tank is “filled” he will spend more time playing.

Another matter of maturity is that children who have been dropped off at the church nursery let’s say, for some time with no trouble, may suddenly panic at the prospect when they reach the age of 15-21 months, setting off a vocal alarm when dropped off.

As they are developing, they are becoming more aware of their surroundings and that “Mom” is not there. They are not as easily fooled by you stepping out of sight! They are growing up. It is okay to leave them so that they learn you are coming back. Don’t start believing that you cannot leave them for an hour or so. They need to learn to be away from you and not manipulate you into staying with them. These two scenarios may seem like contradictions but they are not. This last scenario is an example of “separation anxiety."

Now, to address the matter of discipline. Wanting to be held by you or be near you is not an issue in need of discipline, but whining is a behavior that you will want to discourage. In other words, do not respond to the whining by giving him what he wants. He has to learn that whining will not work. Please refer to the chapter "Recognizing and Handling Manipulation" of Entrusted with a Child’s Heart to read more about dealing with the manipulation of whining. I am guessing that this is the part that is exasperating your husband because whining is one of those things that rates up there with scratching your nails across a blackboard!

Discipline may be needed at some point but for now teach him how to express needs without whining. Do not pick him up when he whines. Teach him an appropriate way to get your attention, like saying, “Mama, please" or using some type of nonverbal signal if he is not yet speaking. Then get down to his eye level and talk to him. Most whining starts as an effort to be heard, then grows into a habit because “it is working.” Another practical idea (since sometimes you just need to get things done!) would be to put the child in a high chair either with a snack or a small toy you know will occupy him, and put the chair in a place where he can see you. This can be a lifesaver during meal preparation time!

Finally, remember the Bible’s encouragement, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” (Galatians 6:9) Training a child to be more independent of Mom is an important task. However, keep in mind that this stage will not last forever! One day you may find yourself wishing your child needed you just a little bit more.

Warmly,

Please Note: This counsel is given from a distinctively biblical worldview, and therefore, is being offered with the assumption that the reader has placed him or herself under the authority of Scripture. Also, please remember that these answers are designed to give general parenting advice and are not intended to give specific counsel to specific situations. If you have extenuating circumstances, please seek the professional advice of your pastor, physician, or counselor.

FriFridayAugAugust19th2011

How do I help my child learn to pray?

Posted Friday, August 19 2011 @ 8 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Discipleship Gospel Spiritual Training 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

How do I help my 3 year-old daughter to pray? She often doesn’t want to pray. How do I foster sensitivity in her spirit towards God?
-- Praying Mom

Dear Praying

There is something so sweet about a child’s prayer. They pray from the heart until often (sadly) they learn to rush or pray by rote. Rather than forcing the issue with her, use everyday moments to teach her the spiritual discipline of communicating with her Heavenly Father. Allow her to see you praying, reading, singing, so that it becomes a natural part of life for her.

Pray with her before meals, before bed, and other times throughout the day as needs or concerns arise or simply to offer praise or thanksgiving to God. (…pray without ceasing – I Thessalonians 5:17)

More than praying when we want them to, we train them to pray when they need to communicate with their Heavenly Father about anything. Help her to see all the ways God answers our prayers and how He is always near to us. Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 4:4-7

Teach her that God guides us and helps us through prayer and that we can pray for others too. Be patient and teach her to have an attitude of caring about other people and she will begin to pray on her own. Help her see the connection between what we ask and God’s answers so that her prayers are natural responses from a grateful heart.

Train up a child in the way he should go,  Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Warmly,

FriFridayAugAugust12th2011

Sleepovers

Posted Friday, August 12 2011 @ 8 AM byBetsy Corning Tagged Personal Convictions 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

How do you handle sleepovers with friends who have siblings of the opposite sex? What rules or expectations do you lay down without offending the other family?

-Sleepless over Sleepovers

Dear Sleepless,

Think carefully whether you want to have your daughter (or son) in a position where their privacy or safety would be compromised. (Could this possibly be the situation here?) Sounds like this is your concern and so it is valid to prohibit the sleepover. As the parent, you have the responsibility to be informed about what will be taking place at the sleepover and who will be there. If you do not believe you are being truthfully informed, your answer is clear. Are you allowing your children to stay in the home of strangers or people you do not know well? You must keep the safety and privacy of your children as a priority over other concerns. If you feel uneasy about a situation, certainly do not subject your child to it.

Have family standards in regards to sleepovers so that your kids can answer these invitations in keeping with what your family convictions are and so that it is not a constant battle. Clearly many families will not have such convictions and that makes your parenting more challenging. It is easier when your friends hold the same convictions, but then that is the point of having your own family convictions and holding to them.

Evaluate the purpose of sleepovers. Is it an edifying activity for your child or even the best choice for their time? Your child may have great friends from a family that you know well and trust - and still the sleepover may not really be deemed a worthwhile activity. What types of media and entertainment will be available and what activities will be going on at the sleepover? Do they get enough sleep? Not likely. That’s the fun of it (for them.) They may rise to the occasion to meet the demands of the next day but the following day miss school. (Or was that just our house?)

For our family we decided upon an age when we would allow sleepovers to begin and an age when they would end. And of course, this presupposes our standards of knowing the parents, the plan for the evening, etc. This eliminated a great deal of problems regarding sleepovers. You must also decide if you want your children to be involved in sleepovers at all and if so, how many friends is a reasonable number to have overnight? Some of my friends have different standards for the ages they allow sleepovers. That is fine, choose your own and stick to them so your children know the standard for your family. Some kids have a special friend or cousins that may stay over regularly, but set family standards about what you will allow or not allow in regards to all of this and stick to them.

I can remember a time when someone invited one of my children to sleep over, but they didn’t really want to go because they were uncomfortable in their friend’s home. It wasn’t really a situation of safety or privacy but it is not uncommon for children to be sensitive to a variety of factors in an unfamiliar environment. Such factors may be how the parents interact, what goes on in the house, and even how it “smells” (because it is not “home”). This is not one of those times in which your children need to be “stretched”. Kids should not be coerced to stay where they feel uneasy.

Sleepovers are optional. As the parent, you can say, “He (or she) does not sleep well at sleepovers and you can agree to pick them up at a specific time, have them over to your house instead, or just say, in this case, “We don’t do sleepovers”.

For further discussion on the topic of sleepovers, see Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, page 401, and also Chapter 3, “Personal Convictions”.

Warmly,

FriFridayAugAugust5th2011

Realistic Expectations for Children Sitting Still?

Posted Friday, August 05 2011 @ 8 PM byBetsy Corning Tagged Childhood Development Expectations 0 comments Add comment

Dear Betsy,

What are realistic expectations for a four year-old sitting still at meals, church, in restaurants, etc.?
-Ants in his pants

Dear Ants,

A healthy, well-rested four year-old should be able to sit through a meal at a restaurant or an hour-long event without unruly behavior. Do not exasperate a child, however, by expecting them to sit quietly for extended periods of time (for example in a long church service that is not geared to them at all. Just imagine if you were expected to sit for an hour and watch Barney!) Children, by nature, require a certain amount of physical activity. Anything over an hour is really expecting a lot for a young child.

This is an area of training and maturity over time. It is not a matter of them just sitting still when they reach the “magic age” of four. This, of course, will vary from child to child.

1 Corinthians 13:11 reminds us that children do not act like adults, and they should not be expected to. “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.”

Remember it’s a process, but what direction are we going in our training process? We are training them to eventually sit still without having to be entertained or occupied.

Plan ahead, and if you are in a restaurant, for example, have something special for them to nibble on while waiting, or a small toy they can play with that won’t be disruptive to those around them. Also teach them proper manners as to how to express their needs. One of our family restaurant rules was, “If someone at another table can hear what you’re saying, you are too loud.” Adults should be able to relax and enjoy a meal without constant focus on or interruption from the children. On the other hand, don't ignore them; they need to feel like they are part of the dining experience.

Please remember to be reasonable and respectful of your surroundings, especially in a church service. My opinion is that a worship center should not be treated like a movie theater or a coffee house but as a place of worship. Certainly it should be a place where children are welcomed, but it shouldn’t be the only place where they are being trained to sit still. They should be learning this even at home at the dinner table. (See tip on “Dinner Pants.") It is disrespectful to the people around you as well as to the speaker to have children who are disruptive or in constant motion.

One general tip that may seem obvious, but many parents seem to forget, is to make sure your children have visited the restroom before they will be expected to sit for an extended period of time. Also, be sensitive to their routine and do not stretch them too far beyond their scheduled mealtimes or naps.

(For further discussion about levels of maturity and reasonable expectations, see Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, pages 224-226).

Warmly,

Applying Biblical Truth to Everyday Life